The Bear in the Woods

Stephen Colbert ended his show today by showing Ronald Reagan's 1984 campaign ad "Bear". I'd actually never seen that particular ad before, since it was before my time. But, if you read the ad copy, it's pretty obvious why my bear-hating nemesis would be fond of the ad.

There is a bear in the woods. For some people the bear is easy to see. Others don't see it at all. Some people say the bear is tame. Others say it's vicious. And dangerous. Since no one can really be sure who is right, isn't it smart to be as strong as the bear? If there is a bear.

Yep, another piece of anti-bear propagada. Typical.

By the way, the whole "some say" the bear this, that, or the other rather amuses me. Trés Fox News. I'll hand the Gipper that--he was ahead of his time with that one.

But I think I can shed some light on the bear's true motivations. Here's a screen capture from the ad. Will you just look at who this bear is consorting with...

That's right--trees!

Per Mr. Reagan:

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles."

"Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources."

*smacks cheek with paw* Oh no! He's onto us!

Trees and bears--if we ever join forces, we'll be unstoppable! Bwahahahahaha!

Except...Gipper...why does that name make me smile?

Probably because it sounds like kipper. Mmmmm...kippers!

Apologies to my photosynthesizing coconspirators, but the world domination thing will have to wait. Sorry to disappoint you, but there's something I really need to chew--I mean do--right now...

Maybe Larry should sue for libel

On Thursday's show, Stephen ColBERT mentioned bears on The Threatdown. What. A. Surprise. (Not!) We were only number two though--we're slipping, my bear brethren!

Threat number two, the Bingham Company, which placed this disturbing ad in this week's economist. It's a baby in the clutches of a BEAR! I'd hate to imagine what happened after the flash went off and startled it. To bears, babies are like Pringles--once they pop, they can't stop!

Look, I happen to know the bear featured in that ad. His name is Larry. He's a consummate professional and has done plenty of print ads as well as some work in commercials. Larry, startled by a flash? Puh-leeze!

What kind of company is Bingham? A consulting firm?

Actually, it says here that they're a law firm. Wonder if they handle libel cases. Maybe Larry should give them a call...

Well, let me consult with you: Should I give my baby to a grizzly bear? Yes, but first rub him with salmon and honey!

Mmmm--now I'm getting hungry. Think I will have salmon for dinner tonight. Not sure if I should go with the salmon with pecan honey glaze or the grilled salmon with orange glaze.

But hold the baby...'k thanks.

Greetings

I'm Stephen Colbear, and I'm here to defend the honor of my fellow Ursine-Americans against attacks by one Stephen ColBERT.

People tell me I'm a beige bear, and I believe them--why would anyone lie about something like that?

But I don't see color. That's an expression, by the way. Bears really do see colors. But we're awfully nearsighted. Thus the glasses. I wanted to get contacts, but I knew my paws wouldn't cooperate. And my friends told me about some kind of surgery I could have, but that's just out of the question. The way I see it, the words "laser" and "eye" don't even belong in the same sentence. So I'll be sticking with the glasses.