The Colbear Report

Colbert gets it wrong again

2007-10-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Again with the threatdown...

"It's eating my book! That is my face being devoured! That is mauling by proxy!"

Oh, Stephen--don't your legs get tired? You know, from all the jumping to conclusions that you do?

More plausible alternatives that Mr. Colbert has conveniently ignored:

The book has been rubbed with something yummy.
The bear is exhibiting a symptom of iron-deficiency anemia.

This glib lack of concern for the welfare of Ursine Americans is nothing new for cable tv personality Stephen Colbert. What is new is that he is now presidential candidate Stephen Colbert.

I'm starting to think that some patriotic American bear needs to step forward and run against him...

Colbear Nation

2007-10-11T19:19:00.001-07:00

I'd like to take a moment to welcome ColBear Nation to the "My Homies" link list on the Colbear Report.

This website is a celebration of bears and a gentle reminder to Mr. Colbert of the great contribution bears have made to this country. From esteemed funny man Fozzy Bear to Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear, we have been riding bikes, wearing tutus and eliminating static cling for generations.

One obvious omission from this list is the beloved Winnie the Pooh. I should clarify, beloved by humans. Among bears, well, maybe you know someone like this. He's family, and, if the chips are down, of course you'll have his back. But you spend a lot of time trying to come up with excuses why this just isn't a good time for him to visit you. Because, if he does, he might just eat all your food and then get stuck in your front door when he finally tries to leave.

But still, it's hard to get too mad at him, because he just can't help himself...

We begin with Pooh. This unfortunate bear embodies the concept of comorbidity. Most striking is his Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), inattentive subtype. As clinicians, we had some debate about whether Pooh might also demonstratesignificant impulsivity, as witnessed, for example, by his poorly thought out attempt to get honey by disguising himself as a rain cloud. We concluded, however, that this reflected more on his comorbid cognitive impairment, further aggravated by an obsessive fixation on honey. The latter, of course, has also contributed to his significant obesity. Pooh’s perseveration on food and his repetitive counting behaviours raise the diagnostic possibility of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Given his coexisting ADHD and OCD, we question whether Pooh may over time present with Tourette’s syndrome. Pooh is also clearly described as having Very Little Brain. We could not confidently diagnose microcephaly, however, as we do not know whether standards exist for the head circumference of the brown bear. The cause of Pooh’s poor brain growth may be found in the stories themselves. Early on we see Pooh being dragged downstairs bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head. Could his later cognitive struggles be the result of a type of Shaken Bear Syndrome?

The poor dear...

More Damn Lies

2007-10-04T21:23:00.001-07:00

So there I was, Googling myself--and no, I don't believe it will make you go blind. Dad just says that to get you off the computer so he can have a turn. (Honestly, how many games of FreeCell can he play in one day?)

Anyway, that's how I found this definition of a "Colbear":

The Colbear is Stephen's arch-nemesis.

The Colbear is a 20 ft tall godless killing machine and is the prime leader of all the bears in the world.

There's more, if you can stand it.

I mean, there is just SO much wrong with that description, I hardly know where to begin. But the "Godless" thing really hurts, right here (points to fuzzy little heart). Mind you, I'm no Prayer Bear, but as Crocodile Dundee once said, "Me and God, we be mates!"

And since today is the Feast of St. Francis, I'll close for tonight with this picture from the St. Francis Wildlife Center.

If you think that little sweetheart is "godless", you might want to consider using your vacation time for a trip to the Emerald City.

So you can ask the Wizard for a heart.

The Bear in the Woods

2007-09-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

Stephen Colbert ended his show today by showing Ronald Reagan's 1984 campaign ad "Bear". I'd actually never seen that particular ad before, since it was before my time. But, if you read the ad copy, it's pretty obvious why my bear-hating nemesis would be fond of the ad.

There is a bear in the woods. For some people the bear is easy to see. Others don't see it at all. Some people say the bear is tame. Others say it's vicious. And dangerous. Since no one can really be sure who is right, isn't it smart to be as strong as the bear? If there is a bear.

Yep, another piece of anti-bear propagada. Typical.

By the way, the whole "some say" the bear this, that, or the other rather amuses me. Trés Fox News. I'll hand the Gipper that--he was ahead of his time with that one.

But I think I can shed some light on the bear's true motivations. Here's a screen capture from the ad. Will you just look at who this bear is consorting with...

That's right--trees!

Per Mr. Reagan:

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles."

"Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources."

*smacks cheek with paw* Oh no! He's onto us!

Trees and bears--if we ever join forces, we'll be unstoppable! Bwahahahahaha!

Except...Gipper...why does that name make me smile?

Probably because it sounds like kipper. Mmmmm...kippers!

Apologies to my photosynthesizing coconspirators, but the world domination thing will have to wait. Sorry to disappoint you, but there's something I really need to chew--I mean do--right now...

Maybe Larry should sue for libel

2007-09-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

On Thursday's show, Stephen ColBERT mentioned bears on The Threatdown. What. A. Surprise. (Not!) We were only number two though--we're slipping, my bear brethren!

Threat number two, the Bingham Company, which placed this disturbing ad in this week's economist. It's a baby in the clutches of a BEAR! I'd hate to imagine what happened after the flash went off and startled it. To bears, babies are like Pringles--once they pop, they can't stop!

Look, I happen to know the bear featured in that ad. His name is Larry. He's a consummate professional and has done plenty of print ads as well as some work in commercials. Larry, startled by a flash? Puh-leeze!

What kind of company is Bingham? A consulting firm?

Actually, it says here that they're a law firm. Wonder if they handle libel cases. Maybe Larry should give them a call...

Well, let me consult with you: Should I give my baby to a grizzly bear? Yes, but first rub him with salmon and honey!

Mmmm--now I'm getting hungry. Think I will have salmon for dinner tonight. Not sure if I should go with the salmon with pecan honey glaze or the grilled salmon with orange glaze.

But hold the baby...'k thanks.

Greetings

2007-09-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm Stephen Colbear, and I'm here to defend the honor of my fellow Ursine-Americans against attacks by one Stephen ColBERT.

People tell me I'm a beige bear, and I believe them--why would anyone lie about something like that?

But I don't see color. That's an expression, by the way. Bears really do see colors. But we're awfully nearsighted. Thus the glasses. I wanted to get contacts, but I knew my paws wouldn't cooperate. And my friends told me about some kind of surgery I could have, but that's just out of the question. The way I see it, the words "laser" and "eye" don't even belong in the same sentence. So I'll be sticking with the glasses.